Level 2: Heroism in the neighborhood and intermediary state.
Define for me the meaning of the word Hero?
Specify
the criteria if you can.
Is it
an icon you look to for courage,
or the person next door who showed they cared?
*From pages 75-73
From the very beginning of this book, I have not hidden
the fact that my life has held some very painful twists and turns. One of the self-discoveries I recognized
early on while working through the maze of my own internal blocks, were how the
cycles of victimization don’t just end as soon as the particular incident
does. Sometimes these waves of
negativity go on indefinitely for years, unless something or someone comes
along to intervene these flows before a second path of destruction is created
on a deeper level of consciousness. Part
of becoming a more self-aware human being includes the concept of self-realization: “I know
I am.... Now I need to realize what my
feelings are and where these emotions are taking me to.”
Our eyes and ears need to be put on full alert in order to
tear down these self-imposed blocks and barriers. None of these blocks were ever meant by
nature to cause the human body any long-term harm. On the contrary, these nerve blocks are a
by-product of our reptilian brains, which were designed to serve as a numbing
agent right after an injury or trauma, and to stave off the effects of
permanent shock. Early mankind wouldn’t
have survived without them when the benefits of modern medicine, anesthesia and
the studies of psychiatry were not yet around to depend upon; but they remain
as an intrinsic part of our ability to survive to this day anytime something
takes place to threaten our minds, hearts, and bodies. These blocks are essentially used to shut us
down until we are done repairing ourselves and helps us to forget. Not all healing processes are quick fixes
though; some injuries take longer to recover from than others. The worst injury is what takes place within
the deepest recesses of our minds when there is no outward, physical signal to
alert our senses that the threat of danger has passed. That seems to be up to us and our social
groups to help us recognize. Like any
shock victim, a good hard shake or cold dash of water is sometimes what it
takes. It may sound harsh, but with some
trauma cases and other types of deep shock this is what it takes. A psychological reawakening can be just as
daunting. As difficult as it may be
sometimes, these realizations nonetheless need to take place if we are ever to
recover and put ourselves back into the driver’s seat of our lives again. These two processes are called
Self-empowerment and Self-predetermination: The
ability to secure every possible aspect of your own destiny in accordance with
how you choose it to be.
They are the two single, most precious liberties
throughout mankind.
There is a miraculous transformation that takes place once
you untangle yourself free enough to reveal the tapestry of your own internal
nature. All your senses become keener
and more acute. It really is quite
remarkable, but the better we hear ourselves, the more tuned in we become to
other people’s inner voices, and the realization that everyone possesses a
tapestry of twists and turns of their own to contend with. None of us are alone.
Unlike the effects a random act of nature can have on a
person, victims of a violent crime or an abuse history carry with them a
twofold set of problems. First there are
the memories that have to be dealt with, and secondly, the awful sense of
having been targeted or betrayed against their will. Every circumstance may have been different,
but this is one element that all survivors share alike, and that is the ability
to have a voice (or choice) in the matter of their destinies and fates. These feelings of helplessness or rejection
can sometimes be overwhelming. Something
or someone robbed their voice and the physical cues their subconscious needs to
resume life as it was again. As long as
our reptilian brain senses that there remains one ounce of threat to our
physical or emotional well-being on a subliminal level, it will automatically
kick itself in survival mode in one form or another. Whether it is the anesthetic devices of sensory blocks, the chameleon-like
defense mechanisms of redefinition or
it is the pretenses of an alternative
posture that is taken on, one or the other will almost always be the
result. We really aren’t as different as
our animal counterparts as we’d all like to think. Just because we are a population of people
instead of a group of animals doesn’t mean we live outside the bounds of
nature. It wasn’t that long ago in our
human history when it was we who were
hunted down for food. If you will
imagine in your mind how a new-born fawn will lay perfectly still for hours (or
even days) as to not attract a predator to itself, or how a chameleon (lizard)
will change its skin color for camouflage, your understanding will be on the
right track.
*From pages 75-76
Giving back victims the power of their voice to self-rule
is just a modern way of signaling their brains to step out of survival
mode. This is why it is so important
that society allow survivors of all forms of crimes, trauma, and abuse to
re-empower themselves to the fullest capacity under the law, or to have a voice
in how their situation is handled by the people around them. Think about it…. The greatest challenge that
victims face isn’t so much what the crime against their flesh or property
resulted into, as the internal harm that the loss of choice leaves behind on the psyche. They’ve been made to feel helpless and put
through the hells of someone’s mercy enough.
By denying an individual a voice in the outcomes of their victimization,
such an arrest or any other form of lawful confrontation, so is the ability to
self-rule taken away from the victim a second time around. Neil’s continued freedom for, example. Everybody was so busy thinking their own
thoughts they forgot to listen. So
consequently, he walked away a free man.
The more often victims are denied an active role in the outcomes of
their own destiny and that of their attacker, the more the idea is reinforced
that their voices carry less weight or that they are less valuable a person
than their perpetrator.
A victim’s self-worth is terribly diminished under these
circumstances, because it is mostly through the acts of accountability and
justice that a victim gains back the feelings of self-rule and value. (Closure)
Huge internal blocks are erected within the individual when these
misfortunes are not accounted for and resolved. They can’t go forward. They can’t go back. Their psyches are stilled like that fawn in a
subconscious state of limbo. What else
can a body do? Their minds are shocked
at the realization that the danger was not eliminated. This catatonic numbing is one of the more
creative ways that nature sticks her nose into our lives in order to
temporarily dull our senses and stanch the flows of destruction from harming a victim
further. The fractures of trust and
disillusionment, however, remain behind.
Bad behavior was essentially rewarded and allowed to go about freely,
while the positive forces of honesty and courageous behavior are forever
trapped in the mental pits of being disbelieved, downplayed, or ignored. The wounds of the flesh will eventually
medically heal over time, and any broken item or stolen property can be
replaced. But what of the heart, the
mind, and the soul, after they suffer the effects of a secondary wave of a crime? What repairs those self-images? Only through the environmental cues of
justice and acknowledgment can a victim re-attain his or her validity, and is
finally able to find closure, and reawaken.
Whenever the opposite takes place, and we turn our backs to it, all that
is subliminally reinforced are the losses of self-worth. If you are wondering how it was I came to
those conclusions, it is because this is the type of survival mode and
psychological holding pattern that I’ve been dipping in and out of for the
greater part of 35 years.
It is children who suffer the most from these
occurrences. Because they have not yet
reached the intellectual levels needed to rationalize the differences between
adult behavior and their concepts of self-worth, the results of abusiveness or
criminal behavior can have a completely ruinous, devastating effect on an even
deeper level of consciousness:
Self-identity. It isn’t even
necessary for a child to understand or fully remember what the exact nature of
the crime or abuse may have been in order to create a psychological fracture or
their self-image is warped. The deeds
are interpreted in the following fashion:
“If it happened, I must have
deserved it or caused it to happen.” - “If they say it, it must be true.”
Children can literally be led to identify and interpret
themselves in a particular way before their minds are even capable of knowing
how it is supposed to describe itself.
No baby is born with a slate full of intellectual knowledge. It’s the proximity of their world that will
see to it that those blank spaces are filled in. They, too, are the sum total of all their
experiences. If children are to have any
chance at all of recovering from abuse or an altered self-image, it will have
to come from some source around them. If
the input can’t take place from their immediate world, then the intervention
needs to come from something or someone else outside of the home. The laws of cause and effect are just as
relevant to children as it is to adults.
I don’t believe there is a person alive who hasn’t the capacity to
intervene by generating that “special something” that can make a positive
difference in a child’s life. We adults
don’t even have to be aware of it; our presence in this world is sometimes all
it takes. Through the tale of a little
girl named Mandy, you will see how this can happen.
*From pages 80-81, 85
The
Hero Years: 1987 through 1992
When my oldest daughter was between the ages of 4 and 9,
like a lot of kids, she fell under the sphere of influence of another type of
silent hero: The total stranger. Simply by being in the right place at the
right time, and by coming across as a positive, masculine persona, qualified
him enough in my daughter’s eyes as someone she felt emotionally safe turning
to when a series of tragedies hit her life.
How she absolutely adored this particular man’s eyes and smile. What exactly she saw in them I’m not sure,
but I often wondered if it wasn’t that of a protective father figure. It didn’t hurt any either that he was of a different
generation, and conscientious enough to conduct himself in a genteel, gracious
manner. An element sorely lacking in my
daughter’s life, but one she knew ought to have been hers by rights.
There is also a definite segment of people on this earth
who are in no way born with a bent personality or psychological disorder, but
for some reason become that way later on in age. Unfortunately, for my entire family again,
one of these types would prey in our domain as someone already holding a trust
position. This time though, it would not
be me who would be targeted, but worse, a helpless 4-year-old who was too young
and frightened to know how to even articulate the issue of molestation. The best her young psyche and set of
instincts could do was to hang on until her prayers were answered and the
nightmare truth came out and set her free.
(Sound familiar?) Because this
particular perpetrator was exceptionally cunning, discovery would not be as
immediate as we all would have liked, but nonetheless, it did happen, and the
responsible party was forced to face the consequences of his actions. Thank goodness we mothers have the instincts
that we do, that’s all I have to say. His
name and precise family blood tie isn’t the issue here. He was family. It was incest…. And I can’t help but believe in my heart of
hearts, that this is all that anyone needs to know in order to understand the
degree of psychological injury that accompanies these types of domestic crimes.
Our silent hero doesn’t know it, but shortly after the
first occasion of molestation, my child saw him from across the room and her
mind leapt to him as that psychological anchor she so desperately needed to
keep from mentally splintering at the hands of her abuser and lift the sadness
from her soul. His name was George. Now George wasn’t particularly different
from any other single man in this world.
He lived the life of a bachelor, traveled a lot, worked, had sexual
companionship, friends and came across like a lot of men in
And that was it…. That’s where George stood out above the rest
of the men in her world and where his personality shown out as the
exception. There was just “something
special” about the way this fifty-four year old man seem to look people in the
eye with a look of warmth, consideration, and understanding. When all she saw coming from her abuser’s
eyes were the stares of maliciousness and perversion. Where George’s words always came out of his
mouth sounding intelligent, thoughtful, and upbeat, all she gathered from her
molester’s speech pattern were the twisted sounds of lies and threats. Her hero’s smile confirmed even more. Not all men’s smiles held the promise of a
night of horror or confusion. Some
smiles were genuine. Some arms could be
gentle. Not all hands were used to harm
or hold a child down either, as she found out.
Mandy knew George liked to use his in a productive, creative
fashion. She’d seen him. She’d never heard him scream vulgarities,
speak of a crime as if it were a joke, treat a person with harshness or with
cruelty, and knew instinctively that George’s personality forbade him to use
his intelligence in devising a way to make any child feel like a piece of meat
not worth anything. All Mandy heard her
molester use his intelligence for was to speak out loud what more he planned
when next he had her alone. George used
his to speak of life, love, friendship, and honesty. He was simply that, her George. But he was everything…. And in a frightened child’s mind that also
means he stood for life. He
never even knew it, but he intervened.
Essentially, even as a secondary male figure behind the scenes
of Mandy’s life, George’s mode of conduct became the crucial factor for no
other reason but that he acted as a decent man whom my daughter had observed
several times before and whose character her young instincts determined “…would
kill himself first, before he’d harm a child”. Crazy, isn’t it? That the only thing it can take sometimes to
make a profound difference in a child’s life is to just to be yourself. Very few people have believed me at first, when
I have spoken about the potentials that every person’s individual life force
can have until they hear of this story. Another
portion of listeners wonder why Mandy didn’t just turn to her own father or
other male relatives, instead of her George? “Ahh,”
I answer them back. “But you don’t know the men in my life.
And you didn’t know George....”