The Pillars of We

I’m going to introduce you to a couple of new ways of visualizing the four components of our sides in this chapter. Up until now, you have only had a graph design to go by. But I have found that many people find it easier to erect an image of a building in order to elevate their understanding of our divisions as the separate, three-dimensional components that they are, and how these structures play a multifaceted role on one another. Associate in whatever order you would like, a pillar or column to represent each one of our sides and look upon them as the foundation the sum-total of yourself rests on. Now picture in your mind that for every suffering of pain a crack is formed; and that for every blow a nick or hole is punched out of one of these internal dimensions. The question you will be asked: How sturdy is the foundation your house sits on?

Each pillar represents a cornerstone of our four sides of heart, body, mind, and soul. What I reference as the Pillars of We. For the sake of objectivity, reassign the label of each monolith as Emotion, Intellect, Physical, and Spiritual in order to minimize any confusion. There is a cascading domino effect to the whole process that takes place internally and can go into any direction; up and anchored when there is positivity and down and crumbled when negativity takes place.

To be your happiest and most fulfilled, all four structures must be in place and balanced with each one given the proper import and attention it needs. You cannot forsake one for the other and expect to remain unified and complete.

*From pages 253-254

As a practicing clairvoyant and spiritualist, I am amazed at the volumes of misinformation people’s minds are clogged with to all the known sciences about our selves as a human species. The source of these misunderstandings is immaterial, depending who you ask will you be quoted a different answer. What prompted me to add this chapter came as a result of two decades worth of findings as an interpretive reader, and the great sadness I felt over it. If just a few more people on this earth paid closer attention to their own inner voices, their mental journals would read as practically the same as mine. Science, my friends, is science. It cannot be altered and remolded into our line of thinking simply because we don’t like the findings. The principles of truth and honesty are again in the forefront of all the arguments, counter arguments, and the conclusions your common sense will force you to rethink and explore further. So far and throughout these stories of mine, I hope I’ve been successful in acquainting you with your innermost sense of sight, sound, recognition, and deeper emotions. These are no doubt terrific tools by themselves in the attempt to service our vehicles in tip-top shape for life. We’ve identified our parts, figured out our engines, gave our interiors a good scrubbing, our tanks are fueled up, and off we’re ready to go. Go where…? To what end…? For what reason…? Oops – we forgot the human brain is the navigator, too.

Making use of all our internal senses includes developing logical thinking to a broader plane of thought and intellect. Once you have harnessed the power of your own mind, never again will you accept a piece of information strictly on the basis that there appears to be no contradictory evidence, alternative, or other explanation about a matter. In all mentalities and decisions do we have a choice and ultimate, final say-so. I warn you, this next chapter will challenge your newly born independent thought patterns to no end. It’s all about dependencies, sexual trends, brainwashing, habits, and the subsequent traps people fall into in order to avoid facing their altered self-concepts and acts of escapism.

*From pages 259-261

Do you know what I see? Failed marriages because proper attention is rarely given to a partner’s spirit and need for fulfillment with as much equality from one member to the other, or the right match is not made to begin with. Know what else? A large hunk of the world’s population has lost the ability to tune into their own souls and all the evolutionary growth processes that as a human species awaits them. We don’t look, listen, think, or feel anymore with our inner most senses. New Age philosophers do their best to educate people that there is such a thing as an inner-self, but lose half their prospective audience’s serious attention within minutes of opening their mouths. “What strange language they use, I can’t make sense of a single thing they are trying to tell me” as my mother would say. It is rather hard to articulate those things spiritual and mystic, I grant you, and herein liess their problem. New Age philosophy puts so much emphasis on existing as a Higher Self living in the eternal glow of Universal Love, it forgets about staying realistically grounded in a manner the working class member can relate to and sensibly deploy into his or her life. It turns a lot of people off simply because too much to-do is placed on areas that do not constructively solve what living in modern, complex society is throwing in their faces.

I’ll quote a friend who put it best: “I understand that it is important to become self-aware and meditate in order to reach a higher understanding of myself, but how will that fix the roof and pay for my kids’ braces? I haven’t got time to sit there and Ohmm to myself, I’ve got to go to work!” The guy makes a good case, chalk one up for that side of our natures we call common sense and physical reality.

Question: What have relationships and sexual orientations have to do with our souls and the eradication of duality from our lives? Is this a book about developing spirituality, or a lesson on marriage, gay relationships, and people’s mentalities?

Answer: All of the above. Because our actions, choices, and outlooks in life have a direct cause and effect on our ability to tap into our selves and discover what moves our souls and subconscious minds. How can a person attain any type of spiritual harmony and balance when internally there exists a battlefield of turmoil and indecision between our four natures?

My views are not based on my opinions, but are the sum result of what I have clairvoyantly retained both in life and from death. Life is nothing more than a set of choices put before us. No, we cannot control or alter the decisions of others, but how we react and what we draw from these experiences are up to us to decide on. We do not control nature either. But that doesn’t mean we can’t find a way to overcome what nature, bad luck, or our suppressed fractures can throw our way. We can exit off and maneuver ourselves around these roadblocks at anytime we choose.

If I didn’t know better and hadn’t heard many an honest testimony otherwise, I would be the first to say that if you feel yourself gay, don’t ever question whether this is the truest and happiest path for you. Once marriage vows have been spoken, never can the bonds of matrimony be broken by divorce. Not even under the worst of marital conditions would this be an acceptable route to take. I would advocate that your first choice in any matter should never be second-guessed or rethought, but should steadfastly remain the only choice you are able to have. If I were completely devoid of all my senses and were even blinder, I would urge the teaching that what you believe about yourself, even if you wish it were not so of you, will always remain a choiceless, undebatable matter…. How silly.

*From pages 269-270

You’re probably wondering this question at this stage: “Now, how in the heck did this woman gather all of these inside scoops about her subject’s feelings, if this author is admittedly not a paid counselor I can find in the Yellow Pages?

Answer: Probably because I’m not! To the relief of many a person I’ve dealt with, this just plainly is not what I offer.

Because I am not a psychiatrist or licensed therapist, I am not preoccupied with finding a clinical diagnosis. While maybe it offers a lot of emotional security to some, I’ve found that there is a huge amount of our population who don’t like to be pigeonholed into psychological categories and classifications. It gives them a sense of feeling trapped. With me, there isn’t that fear hanging over their heads. Because the letters PA, PhD, PsyD, or MD do not follow my name, a person can always hold out the hope that my occupational insights could be inaccurate. And quite frankly, there are an awful lot of individuals out there who hold a deathly fear of being diagnosed with a condition that will require lifelong therapy and/or medications. All individuals who decide to turn to me know in the back of their minds from the moment we sit down together that they can leave and never speak to me again, if what I reveal about their natures isn’t to their liking or believed. Nor will there exist a medical record to mark our meeting by. I make it very clear that I keep no notes or journal. Not one penny ever transfers hands, either; I don’t charge people for what I do. So there is also the understanding and subliminal security, that I cannot produce a ledger entry with their names, dates, and topic of conversation. People aren’t dumb. Most individuals are quite aware that money can often spoil trust and honesty.

*Poem featured on page 197

Listen…

A tear dropped

And I felt it

A heart cried

And I heard

A mind reached out

And so I tried to reach out, too

A soul called

So mine soared…

But the trappings of your mind

Never allowed you to fully accept

The fears it clung to

Forbidding your feet to take the steps

And the higher you flew on lofty heights

The further away you slipped from me

You traded substance for your way of life

Transposing truth for all you could be

Don’t you see though?

Man can’t exist, split apart within his own flesh

Seeking pathways to higher learning

Doesn’t replace or substitute fate

Your wish to rewrite your own destiny

On succeeded in cheating you time

That knowledge still left to be learned

Comprehending at last, your very own path through life

In all that searching for your why’s and what for’s…

Can’t you see what you’ve really done?

That stubborn pride you’ve clung to

Hasn’t uplifted, but held you down

Silly man… You’ve flown but never walked

You’ve even held but never connected

You’ve amassed ideals, but no whisper quakes within your arms

Yes – You may have bled, but you’ve never felt!

A tear drops

And I feel it

A heart cries

And I hear

A mind reaches out

And so I try to stretch mine back

A soul calls

So mine… Roars!

To Thy Own Self Be true

*From pages 295-297, 303

As a clairvoyant and spiritualist, people often put me in the position of listening to their concerns and deeper held fears. It is completely from these heartfelt confidences that move me to write about this issue of sexuality on their behalf. A person cannot fully explore or evolve as a spiritual, higher being until the concept of self-identity correlates precisely with gender. I cannot stress enough how all forms of duality have to be entirely eliminated. If it’s a question of sexual curiosity and physical gratification, I say go ahead and indulge your need for a bit of escapism and explore away; just don’t deny who and what you are. And, for goodness sake, don’t block the opposite sex out of your intimate relationships because you think, once you’ve delved into homosexuality, you can’t ever back out and revert to being straight when someone wows your heart. A person is not betraying the gay community when this occurs; they will only shortchange themselves again in the long run, closing off any doors that lead to the stairwells and subsequent vistas of higher growth and evolution. (*Although, several real life testimonies and clairvoyant results are offered in this section, the identities of these individuals have been withheld.)

Don’t be so quick to wipe your brow in relief if you are heterosexual. I daresay the harms we cause to ourselves can be far more profound than any act of consensual sex. Mine was.

Have you by any chance noticed the push by some New Age extremists for people to live their every waking moments as their neutral, higher spiritual selves? Ever wonder why and what the appeal may be? Exceptions to the rule do exist, of course, but primarily deep down and subconsciously, it is another way of escaping our gender-based, physical bodies and all the associated dislikes a person really feels about his or her self. If an individual makes it a habit to live with the daily mentality that they are a neutral or sexless being, androgyny and depolarization as one speaker put it, it helps them to avoid having to face the reality of their own fractures and self recriminations. Physical escapism takes on many different forms, the over indulgence of a spiritual brainwashing is but another example. Non-heterosexuals seek each other as the mode of escape.

The laws of compensation and self-repair are not exclusive to one segment of population over another, but are endemic to the entire human race and the most fundamental of processes on the face of this planet. You might as well condemn a river for flowing into the sea or the gravitational pull of the moon on ocean tides. We all gravitate towards that which can fill our needs. There is no debating that changes in sexual inclination is the more unique and dramatic of this principle at work, but by definition it is not any different at heart or under the skin than from the rest of how humanity copes. Channeling is channeling, no delineation can be placed between the two.

To shed a clearer understanding of how this self-fulfilling, auto responsive mechanism works, I will use myself as an example to illustrate how crucial a factor it is for a person to admit and understand the root causes of their inner chasms and voids. In order to make real sense of spiritual issues, it is just as important a person have a fair grasp and takes into account behavior and psychology. Be gentle with me….

*From pages 309-311

My mind sat stunned. It was just too incredulous to believe! How could I have been so unaware of myself all those years and not seen what had become of me at the hands of the man who swore he loved me? There had been no deliberateness on Pat’s part to hide his true personality from showing. On the contrary, Pat wasn’t the type of man who ever held anything back about his thoughts or fancies. So how did I not ever see the man for who he was? I asked myself.

While his substantial level of trust was a compliment to me as his wife, the effects on my home life were not. My husband’s words of love and passionate ardor held the capacity of leaving me eating out of his hands, but yet, within the outburst of a next emotional moment were used just as easily to slap me down. Such was the power of my spouse’s voice and his ability to turn the impacts of his words into technique. One way or another there was no escaping the captivation of my senses. This seduction device worked wonders for him. Whatever he used his mouth for, it offered the man release while in a simultaneous double-swoop it repressed and held me down in place. Patrick was a prime example of the Fight or Flight animal. Me, his catch and quarry, which he both manhandled but took refuge in for care and warmth. That wasn’t too hard to do though, since when it came to the structures of my own primal shell, my mannerisms and instinctual reactions were not any different than that of a frozen fawn….

The push-pulls between the lover I had a crush on and the painful daily realities associated with the man I was living with were horrible. How odd that now that we are at end I can see that it was my own inability to recognize the patterns of his behavioral abuse that kept me bound to our marriage. The decays to my self-esteem had been so thoroughly denigrated and reduced to shreds that I’d convinced myself to the point it was entirely all my fault.

The end result was not unlike the effect our performer’s attitude similarly had on me. It was the reinforcement that I was not worthy of being treated with decency, consideration, and dignity. The shockwaves on my psyche which had begun with Neil’s initial acts of brutality against me and the poor way my rape was handled. Followed by the second waves of terror (and reprogramming) from the burglary and the repeated manner my case was again abandoned by those who were in authority, (including Mr. C.). All served to further acknowledge what would summarily result in the total destruction of my self-worth. What one crime began, the second reinforced…. I was not significant enough to warrant care, assistance, or concern.

You’ve seen the crime scene photos. You’ve read the threat. That burglary was no coincidental accident or imaginary fantasy. It was deliberate and real, and by itself, did more to disrupt the lives of an unsuspecting family than what I am sure any official and our Star ever permitted themselves to admit. But sadly enough, in spite of the trail of evidence that did exist and the set of suspects it pointed to, the notion to at least ease the psychological states of three young children didn’t even occur to anyone but me, either. It may be written on paper that the law has a duty to serve and protect every citizen, but twice now, you have read how some precincts will fail that obligation chiefly because a case proves too big of a hassle or the local investigators become intimidated. In my case, it just became easier to point the finger of suspicion toward me and simply drop my case due to a supposed “lack of evidence” instead. Avoidance issues don’t just exist on the doorsteps of our home lives, do they? The mentality may have formed its beginnings from out of the mind of only one person, but all it takes are a few outspoken words for the matter to spread and infect the thoughts of an entire group. That’s what happened with both my cases. I don’t believe any officer in his or her right mind ever sets out to deliberately drop the ball on a criminal case and re-victimize an already “physically harmed victim” a second time around. That would quickly mark an end to their law enforcement careers if this were the case. I think that like any other person, these men and women in blue are just as humanly prone to being blinded and misled by deceptive tactics as you and I can be.

And so why the very concepts I theorized about the Hollywood Syndrome remained alive and well….

When I turned to the actor as a person, I wasn’t trying to corner the man in some vindictive loop of guilt. He may have been an actor by occupation, but that wasn’t the reason why I wrote to this performer through his attorney. He honestly was the only physical link in the case who stood any chance at all of reversing the sheriff department’s decision to halt the investigation into the burglary attack and perhaps help identify some very manipulative and controlling culprits in his own personal world. But try as I did, we all know what the outcomes to those requests were. A different road of decisions was made to breathe continued life into the patterns of victimization and harm.

By the time I met Patrick less than four months latter, all the inroads to my self-worth were complete. All my truths were buried beneath the rubble of one man’s need for glory and fame, and for the second time around, dishonesty won once again in my life.

Amazing isn’t it, how even total strangers reinforced the negativity behind my own self-regard? But it was not the burglary and the threatening message itself which caused this self-fracture to occur within my psyche. Nor was it the rape of my body alone. I’d understood where Neil had come from. His problem had stemmed from mental illness and obsession. My daughter’s molester had not targeted me, but her directly. The burglar was a total, anonymous stranger who probably knew no more about me than I did about him. So what was it then? What was it about that secondary wave of victimization that so thoroughly pushed my self-esteem to its broken edge?

It was the law’s prejudicial stand and the final gesture from our performer’s repeated acts of silent indignities, which were what left me feeling even less worthwhile as a person and set me up just ripe for the picking for what would become the next cycle of abuse. On that score anyway, there had been no excuse, as I had never accused the actor of being guilty of ordering the burglary from the get-go. Say what anyone will, the behaviors that took place and the silence that followed were ill conceived and held no merit. No good can ever come out from abandoning the welfares of children and no pride can ever be derived from it. My only act of guilt and grand mistake had been to think better of the man’s character based from his own heartfelt words and outspoken testimonials. It is a lesson I have since learned well to never forget. Forget words. Words and phrases are only as believable (and sincere) as the actions behind them.

His actions…. Well, now you know them, too.

It took me many years to figure out what kept going wrong with my marriage and why it was riddled with the dysfunctional issues that it had. It was my own abuse history and how it commuted itself into the hidden folds of my marriage.

*From 319-321

All choices are our own, they should not be pushed unto the body of any divine force to take the fall for and be equitably rationalized away. The act of forgiveness isn’t the only way to find closure and peace. Some crimes are out of our human bounds of wisdom to deal with. If a person does believe that there is even such thing as a Devine Power of love and good, all there needs to be is the belief that your victimizer(s) will be dealt with accordingly by that system of justice and right and wrong. Let that person be the one to take the responsibility of asking for forgiveness from his or her Maker. Let that weight go completely and rest easy in that faith. Those battles are best settled between the perpetrator and….

We all need to stop trying to be as all-wise as God in other words. We poor humans just can’t do it. And in essence, all we end up doing is to compound an already painful experience by adding the element of pressure to our load. Think about it for a moment or two, then with a smile of humor on your face repeat after me: “Stop getting in your own way; you keep tripping over yourself.”

The type of outlooks and comparable scientology’s that support the opposite premise that no person can really do any wrong doesn’t allow for any feelings of anger and any other form of reprisal, does it? Talk about repression. Anger and frustration are just as important as the releases of laughter and joy are because they very frequently are the two mechanisms that compels a person or can rally a group of people into designing new systems of change and safety rules:

“I’m angry you drove drunk and killed my daughter in the process.” M.A.D.D. and our drinking and driving laws are the result.

“I’m angry, frustrated, and feel betrayed that my employer didn’t have any fire extinguishers in the workplace. My best friend and coworker were burned horribly when a lunchroom fire broke out last year.” O.S.H.A. regulations and fire safety rules are now federally mandated.

So… Is anger and the adamant refusal to allow a negative outlook, event, or circumstance to escape accountability a bad thing or is it a positive, productive emotional release after all? Now imagine if the opposite directive of “always forgiving” and “no wrongdoing” took place instead, and both mentalities were substituted in those last two scenarios? I can’t speak for everyone, of course, but it just hits me as plain dysfunctional to think that we can lead our lives in a constant, neutral state of the demagnetization of all negatives into becoming all positives. Depolarization equates to inertia and are really one and the same feature. For example: North without south, an earthly state of all blessings without any condition of human error whatsoever, that homosexuality is innate to the human species (or) the next one-track mentality. “Consider and be fair to my feelings and quality of life when it suits me, but don’t ask I reciprocate back when it doesn’t.”

Double standards and the eraser of a culpable conscience cannot and do not work, as we cannot allow ourselves to distill away the contrasts between good and bad, and right and wrong. We need these contrasts - for imagine any worldly order without these day and night differences. Chaos, chaos, and more chaos! Anger and guilt should never be allowed to eat a person up alive; that’s just a counterproductive and destructive force all unto itself. But, never should either emotion be repressed or completely wiped out of the human equation. Personally, I associate hatred to a soul-eating cancer. So in order to rid yourself of any possible residual hatred, which can also result from being attacked or hurt, try substituting that emotion with pity. This is what has always worked wonders for me and which is not in any way contradictory to wellness. The pillar of the heart (emotion) is real. We cannot have love without sorrow, just as we cannot do without positive and negative forces to rule over us and guide our thinking. (i.e., Compasses) Think a moment about our planet without the magnetic push-pulls of our moon to regulate and spur our sea and ocean tides? Are you picturing it? We’d have a state of global stagnation on our hands, wouldn’t we? We need our bad and wrongs. We need our opposite polarities. That’s what allows us to appreciate all of our triumphant joys, good, and rights.

Reflect upon what America’s perspective on slavery would be to this day, for example, if in the Civil War era of the1860s - wrong, pain and anger had been eliminated as “There’s nothing to change (or forgive) as no wrong is taking place.”

Reflect on more modern terms our country without pollution controls to protect our health and conservation laws to keep and ensure the continuity and wholesomeness of our continental borders. What would America look like now?

*From pages 323-324, 326

All choices are of our own free will to decide upon. No person is born a pre-programmed puppet. The gay community included. Our beliefs are only as weak or as strong as we allow them to be.

There is not one iota of dispute that there are times when the opposing factors of truth, fact, and honesty are hard forces to contend against. But just because a situation or occurrence is hard to believe, doesn’t make it less so. This would include the belief that our self-identities and sexualities are unchangeable, too, when this absolutely just isn’t so, either. Our beliefs and abilities are only limited by our own mental restraints and the walls we’ve trapped them behind. And fact cannot be altered by fantasies or any other strategy of denial simply because we don’t like the way introspection may make us feel about ourselves. I’m my own best case history for example. My worst private crime and personal barrier was how I let myself believe that all the acts of negativity and abuse perpetrated against me were ultimately my fault, when this truthfully was not so. I didn’t deserve any of it. And if I chose to forgive my husband, it had nothing to do with the doing away of his volatile temperament out of some half-baked, theoretical cosmic gesture that I should ignore and absolve his actions all together. If I’d followed that grand delusion, I would still be in an abusive relationship now….